Tuesday April 8th, 2014

Still alive.

My landlady is such a gracious person – has allowed me to stay here.

I’m not homeless but I’m down to my last $5 for food. Today I’m going without food.

At least I’ll be loosing weight. 

****************************************************************************

Been watching a lot of video to escape. Watched all 4 seasons of Star Trek: Enterprise

plus saw all the ones of the other series I hadn’t seen

*****************************************************************************

Well, can’t think of anything else to say. 

 

 

Thursday March 27th, 2014

The Duck Dynasty Season Finale was an hour long, was good but it hurt.

Watching this family with all the fun and love they have made me sad

Mia Robertson, daughter of Willie and Korie Robertson has such a loving family

and extended family. She is such a delightful young girl in spite of her cleft lip

Her family threw her a family reunion party before she went in for her 5th operation,

in spite of the sudden notice was very well attended.

*************************************************************************

Me, not so much. I was frequently reminded by my father, who didn’t

like me, how worthless I was. When I turned 18 I immediately enlisted

in the Marine Corps. Was it hard? ’bout the same. Was used to being

despised from my father so having a Drill Instructor raging at me was…

not new.

*************************************************************************

Will I ever be anything except the basket case I am now? Sometimes I think

God doesn’t like me either

 

Tuesday March 25th, 2014

Empty day. Really empty. Day after day with no hope.

And then I can’t even stay what course I decide on

If you want a peaceful existence, don’t become a Christian

God will never let you have peace as long as you are imperfect

Today I failed at staying away from pornography

**************************************************************

It’s a sad existence when all you have to look forward to is the

season finale of Duck Dynasty which is Tomorrow

 

 

Sunday March 23rd, 2014

I’ve decided that I would no longer go to the church that I once liked

I won’t name the denomination nor will I go on a long discussion of why

*****************************************************************

On a crazier note, the “Affordable” Care Act (Obamacare), will be increasing

medical code complexities, from the current 17,000 to 138,000 – 8 times more

Two of the codes: T63622A (Toxic effect of contact with other jellyfish,

intentional self-harm, initial encounter) and V9542XA (Forced landing of

spacecraft injuring occupant, initial encounter)

It’s what happens when a “Community Organizer” runs the country

*****************************************************************

Tonight is a head achy night. Don’t have money for both food and tea

so I’m doing without tea. Caffeine addiction isn’t to bad but withdrawals

are not fun.

*****************************************************************

Here is - 2016: Obama’s America, the movie by Dinesh D’Souza 

https://archive.org/details/ObamaBiography

It seems to connect a lot of the people in Obama’s past, like Bill

Ayres, Weatherman radical and the fact that Mr D’Souza has been

scrutinized heavily by the IRS and FBI leads me to believe that

the administration (Obama) wants him silenced

Wednesday March 19th, 2014

Today I had a new thought. I saw an obese woman crossing the street in one of those “sidewalk Cadillacs” – those motorized chairs for the disabled.

My normal, standard thought didn’t happen. I actually looked at the woman and saw she was very far from happy. That book I’d been reading, Shattering The Shackles Of Shame by Patricia Lee Hulsey, had informed me that that addictions were a very common thing in the shame-based personality. Addictions like alcohol, gambling (also gaming) and compulsive eating.

Now, don’t get me wrong: warm compassionate loving fuzzy  feelings didn’t happen.

After all this was merely a stranger crossing the street. What didn’t happen is I didn’t see her and instantly categorize her as an extreme case of welfare riding a fancy chair that my tax monies had bought.

What I saw was a woman who showed obvious signs of a shame-dominated personality. An unhappy person. Like me.

In Patricia Lee Hulsey’s book she said in the Introduction: “When I became a born-again Christian, I understood from that time on that Jesus died for my sins, but it was years later when I understood that He also died for my shame” 

She next says: “Since I no longer carried my sins, then I no longer needed to carry the shame of my sins or the shame imposed upon me by others”.

Patricia Lee Hulsey in her short book of 11 short chapters she lays out the reasons, the effects, and the cure for shame. She documents it well and says, for reason of her qualifications to write about shame: “Shame is not something I learned about through research. I didn’t read a book or go to a seminar on the subject. I agonized with its intensity when as a child I was told I was no good, stupid, and would never amount to anything”.

I’m not going to quote the entire book here. If you wish to read it for yourself here’s one last link: Shattering The Shackles Of Shame

****************************************************

Another thought I had this morning was that all this stuff I was going through would be good for writing a book. Even thought up a name “Escape from Laodicea” (Revelation 3:14-22)

I’m not ready to write it yet. Haven’t yet  “escaped”, still within the city limits. But I’m making progress

Sunday, March 16th, 2014 Shattering The Shackles Of Shame

Tonight I’m studying this: Shattering The Shackles Of Shame

I still have shelter, although that could end anytime.

This morning I went to church. At 5PM went to the Sunday night bible study. Didn’t feel any better even though it was good both times – I just don’t fit in a church

Shattering The Shackles Of Shame was right about me – I don’t get let anyone get close enough to hurt me, or to know me.

When I was growing up I remember my father only once saying something even moderately complementary, but I can’t remember what he said. Everything else, including things he said about me to extended family members were to shame me.

I have $43 after I CoinStar-ed the rest of my change, after buying two Frozen dinners + one bag frozen burritos.

Friday, March 14th, 2014 8:41PM

Since the wee hours of this morning (other Mar 14th post) I slept fitfully, got up, showered, went to Food4Less and used the CoinStar machine (broke it),  got $25.10 in pennies, nickles and dimes, went to Carl’s Jr and got two sausage egg & cheese biscuits and ate breakfast.

While eating breakfast had my one and only realization of the day. The place I live in is really good. Everything works, roommates are good, neighborhood quiet and safe.

Better than the seven years I spent living in a room where the roof leaked when it rained hard. Then it leaked with light rain. Then it fell in. I declined from suing as these were Christian people  who had been very generous to the Homeless Program I’d been in

Also better than the 3 months (looooong months) spent living with a High School Teacher who would find 1 ant on his counter, call me down and chew me out. He was lucky *I* am a Christian and won’t start fights.

I also realized that I didn’t appreciate where I’m living, didn’t appreciate the almost 2 years of unemployment, and didn’t appreciate the 10K (7K after tax penalty) that kept me alive since then

After breakfast I rode south, then east a bit, then northish a bit, then west with a jog north, then home (west then south)

23 mile – used Google maps to plot out the distances.

Image

Hadn’t been here in 3 years

Image

This was a surprise. Original archery range was frames holding hay bales and some cryptic cement markers in ground – nothing like this

Stopped by several places, rode the Santa Ana river trail back, stopped at Centennial park

Got a LOT of sun – face is sunburnt. Was surprised that I did that in my out of shape, mal-nourished condition.

Well, perhaps I can get some sleep tonight…

Friday, March 14th, 2014 12:49AM

Tomorrow there’s a couple of things I need to do.

I need money for some food. Have a large container of change and tomorrow I’ll take it to a nifty machine called a CoinStar  machine and let it sort the coins and count ‘em. Will cost me 10.9% but it’s easier that the old coin rolls and then take them to a bank

Other is take a ride down the Santa Ana river (if I feel good enough). Need to do some serious thinking and see some of God’s beauty. Take pictures (maybe)

Yesterday afternoon I poked around a bit in on-line gaming but I have really lost interest.

All evening I spend reading about when god is silent. Before I go to bed I’m going to re-read the bible book of Job

Wednesday, March 12th, 2014

Still feel completely unmotivated. There seems to be no earthly hope in anything ever getting better for me.

I’m so unmotivated that I didn’t even go get food, even though I have the means – So I had two burritos and a piece of bread all day

I realize now what a cold, uncaring person I am. I am so dead in my heart, my feelings. I don’t want to be around anyone, even people at church.

Stay clear of pornography. It fills the heart with a deadness towards real people, like my family

Friday rent is due -

Sunday, March 9th, 2014

Tonight I wrote a short memorial to my father on his Milliongraves.com site

Didn’t say much but there are good things about him and I tried to point that out

http://billiongraves.com/pages/record/FrankRonaldSmith/4708023

**************************************************************

On February 13th, 2014 I posted about rent being due the next day.

I’m in the same dire straights again, through my own doing. In 5 days rent will again be due and I have no way to get it

I’ve been paralyzed with fear for some time.

The church I had gone to helped me out with $300. I was able to pay the rent for March but I won’t go to them for help again. Not because they wouldn’t, it’s because I haven’t tried at all to help myself. I’m not worth being helped.

So I’m been doing a few things that I should get done. Make amends where possible, write a civil memorial for my father. Even ask someone’s forgiveness that I should have a long time ago. Took me all these years to find out I was at fault, too.

In 17 minutes it will be March 10th, and then perhaps it will be a better day

This morning I woke up angry at  God and blaming him for the mess I made of my life.

Friday, March 7th, 2014

Today I turned 60 years old.

“Happy Birthday” to me

Nothing else to say

My Father’s Grave – February 16th, 2014

A few days ago I decided to try and track down what happened to my parents.

My mother was not locatable, but my father being a veteran was.

My father and I didn’t have a good relationship, partly due to me as I was an evil child

When hearing my father had had a stroke and was wheelchair bound and couldn’t talk

my first though was good, he will never physically nor verbally ever assault me again

Here’s his grave-site in the Fayetteville, Arkansas National Cemetery:

 

FR Smith

http://billiongraves.com/pages/record/FrankRonaldSmith/4708023

He was totally right about me – I’m totally worthless.

 

 

February 13th, 2014 – Rent is due tomorrow

and I don’t have it, nor is there any hope of getting it together

and killing myself isn’t an option as I’m a believer in Christ -

a Christ who is silent, doesn’t appear to care

Lucky or watched over?

1 Driving to Yuma, AZ in friend’s car, me driving. We were stoned and I went into a sharp curve too fast and we made it. Car had bald tires (1974ish)

2 Driving up to Big Bear (or maybe Lake Arrowhead) with EX went into unexpected sharp turn too fast and didn’t crash

3 When driving home from musical event a drunk man, trying to run across the street in front of our car at night, ran into the driver’s side windshield and door. My EX didn’t see him until it was too late, she swerved off road to right and we clipped a large pickup and spun around a time or two. Car damaged badly but neither of us hurt even though it was pre-wearing seatbelt days. Last of those days…

4 My EX with my daughter in car ran through red light and was hit by truck going through intersection. Daughter was in car seat and totally unharmed, EX had a minor scrape or two. Car was totaled

5 Car pulled out in front of me when riding 900 Honda bike to work. Went down in wet street, kicked away from bike as I went down, slid for 50 odd feet on palms and toes. Not a scratch on me. Knees in pants torn up

6 Pickup hydroplaned on freeway in rain, ended up going into ditch backwards – truck banged up but I was not injured. Soaked to waist when I opened truck door in rain-filled ditch.

7 Two parter: on Friday the Thirteenth was run over, literally, by an SUV in intersection while riding bicycle. Was a high road clearance SUV and both me and bike fit underneath. Had sprained ankle but otherwise okay. Afterwards limped to grocery store, bought groceries and  then home
*********************************************************************
A week later was testing foot to see if ready to go back to work on a Sunday, rode through a field and I *think* got bit in back of leg by bug carrying disease. By Monday morning left leg was swollen but tried going to work anyway. Was sent home before noon and was a long, painful walk. By that time leg was so swollen I couldn’t bend it to ride bicycle -
During rest of week was in extreme pain, was unable to think, and somewhere around Thursday night turned on a Christian Radio station for comfort. I knew that going to emergency room would get my leg amputated, *if* I survived the treatment. Then it dawned on me – I was a veteran and could go to the VA hospital. -
At the VA hospital I had to wait for some time because they needed to assemble a surgical team because it was Friday evening. Surgeon was marathon runner so he knew just what to cut. After 11 days was sent home with portable wound vacuum and had nurse visits to change bandages. -
During the whole time I was driven to get exercise and stay active. Was sent home with a wheel chair but was out of that in a week.

Am now intimately familiar now with Necrotizing fasciitis, A.K.A. “Flesh eating bacteria” and have a nasty 8 inch scar on the back of my thigh to remind me that I could have died or lost that leg

2013 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 820 times in 2013. If it were a cable car, it would take about 14 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

January 14th, 2014

Today I found out a really disturbing piece of news: 6 Fullerton, California cops got away with beating an unarmed homeless man to death, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_of_Kelly_Thomas and http://ktla.com/2014/01/13/verdict-reached-in-trial-of-ex-officers-in-kelly-thomas-death/#axzz2qOLCXYv1

My life since a month ago hasn’t changed. Just as empty, but more painful.

Isn’t life a bowl of cherries?

 

 

Dec 14th, 2013

I’m back from my long journey down the corridors of despair

I won’t elaborate because it wasn’t pretty. Also a bit embarrassing because a ton of self pity was involved

However, I see hope – the young people aren’t stupid in this country

I had thought they were stupid because twice they helped elect Obama, Liar in Chief (Washington Post 4 Pinocchios and Politifacts Liar of the year)

But they are actually quite sharp – and they aren’t being fooled about Obamacare by some rapper or other young celebrity, they looked into it and discovered that they were the people on the hook for paying for all the pre-existing, chronically ill or older people – them, the “Young Invincibles”

And like traditional Americans when faced with tyrannical laws said – NO

http://optout.org/

Love the “Creepy Uncle Sam”

I’m opting out because I don’t want anyone burdened with paying for me, especially my granddaughter

Memorial Day Weekend May 26th, 2013

For this weekend I saw two movies

Star Trek Into Darkness and Ironman 3

and to do something different I’ll give short reviews

well more like my opinions of the movies

Ironman 3

I enjoyed the First Ironman a lot, the second less

but still not bad

The Third – the special effects were good, and the plot was

good enough for a superhero genre movie

Villains bigger than life, battles fought on a epic scale\

and of course – the love story.

In Ironman 2 Tony Stark, being the perfectionist,

had 3+ models of the Ironman Suit

in this one he has 42. A bit of an obsession that

is beginning to cause problems between him and Pepper Potts

(Gwyneth Paltrow)

Was an enjoyable superhero action film that delivered the goods

Star Trek Into Darkness

The second J J Abrams Star Wars like Star Trek movie

and that’s not bad – just not your average Star Trek style

faster-paced – even faster than JJ Abrams 2009 Star Trek movie

and it had some very Star Wars type scenes, like when Spock is

chasing the most dangerous villain from flying cargo transport

to another, ala Star Wars style

All the 2009 cast members were there, including Lenard Nimoy

playing Spock from the future (Spock Prime)

I didn’t name who the most dangerous villain was

intentionally. Watch the movie to find out

May 13th, 2013

Mother’s day in New Orleans – a neighborhood parade

turned into a bloody shooting by 3 gun-persons in the crowd

within an hour the FBI stated “This is not a terrorist attack,

this is just street violence”

Lately I really take anything the FBI says about terrorism with

a large dose of skepticism.

 

Still alive… May 7th, 2013

A month has passed since my last blog entry

and I’m still in the land of the living

Which really isn’t saying much…

I’m still playing Fallen Earth but even as absolutely vast that that

free to play Steam Game is I’ve in 4 months have “been there, done that”

and for the last few days have been re-playing Fallout 3

Biohazard sign

I’m still struggling to even want to get out of bed

and when I do I end up gaming till daylight

Addictive Personality + an addiction

(like a good MMO)

makes me fear that I’ll just end up running to the end of my savings

not that that would be entirely bad, as at least I’d be off the Internet

Biohazard sign

On the political front – bad times Might be catching up with Obama

people are beginning to see what a steaming pile Obamacare is

they are already saying they will need another 800 Billion just to get it started

one congress person quipped it’s like a menu without any food on it

Benghazi – 4 of our people were brutally murdered by

a group of well-organized attackers

but it was told to us that it was outrage and rioting over a YouTube video

the “edited” talking points spread by Ambassador Susan Rice

have been uncovered and Tomorrow (Wednesday)

3 “Whistle blowers”

testify before congress

****************************************************

Reagan

was called the Teflon President because the left couldn’t make anything stick

but he’s been bested in that category

Obama is as slippery as a greased pig

and no, I’m NOT being racist – but I have no respect for someone who lies so well

Bill Clinton was a great liar, too. But his lying involved his Monica problems

not shoving Obamacare up America’s ass

He (and everyone else) repeatedly said Obamacare is not a tax…

but the Supreme Court declared it WAS a tax

*******************************************************

But the question is: has America woken up yet or not?

After the first four years of Obama the facts were out there

but America re-elected Obama

******************************************************

I’ve been listening to a Texas Talkradio station 1370AM

and it’s a different world down there

here’s one of their advertisers: The Silencer Shop

did you know that children can get intimidated by the loud reports of a gun?

so, get a Silencer, for hearing protection

Hard to find something to be hopefull about – April 8th, 2013

22 days since my last blog update

I’m still alive – either that or my Linux-powered laptop

is infected with an AI that mimics me…

*********************************************************

Logotherapy , Viktor Frankl’s great contribution to Psychiatry

seems to be the key to overcome my current malaise

I Lack motivation to do anything…

I’m no longer looking for work. Why work? The state and Feds are

just going to bleed me until I live in poverty

like I’ve been for the last two DECADES

I, the male, get shafted by California while my ex-wife gets “disability”

*****************************************************************

So I’m here – barely able to get out of bed, waiting… waiting…

for what? God’s help? people in the church I used to go to tell me God doesn’t

help people – I have to somehow deep down inside myself find the motivation

****************************************************

Well, stay tuned – perhaps I’ll have something better to say

or perhaps not -

**************************************************

 

 

 

 

 

After a couple of months – March 17th, 2013

After a couple of months things are about the same

That “Fiscal Cliff” was kicked down the road. Now we have Sequestrations – a 10% cut

in all parts of the Federal Government. Even White House tours have been canceled

because the Secret Service has to cut 10%

Interesting how the Obamas haven’t cut back on vacations.

The idea is hit us tax payers where it hurts most

California is worse than ever

The voters here passed Proposition 30

Prop 30 was sold as “Taxing the Rich” and going to education

funny how all pay the raised Sales Tax, most are affected by the higher state income tax

(except those on welfare or other Government handouts)

and as far as education, all the money went to public employee union pensions

and salaries. Nothing went to classrooms…

All brought to us by the “Party of Lies”

*********************************************************************************

Biohazard sign

So, in a month I’m moving to Texas

No income tax, less than 7% sales tax rate, and business-friendly regulation

and it’s easier to get a concealed weapon license in Texas than a business license

in California

Biohazard sign

 Now you are probably wondering by now about the Biohazard sign…

My new MMO (Massively Multiplayer Online Game)

is Fallen Earth (on Steam)

Fiscal Cliff Averted – January 2nd, 2013

Last night the “Fiscal Cliff” here in the US of A was averted… Sort of

Congress members who had promised not to raise taxes – did

Spending cuts, badly needed, were not done and

the whole issue of spending cuts were kicked down the road

for two more months

*****************************************************************************

History shows that when the Democrats promise spending cuts

it has actually happened exactly ZERO times

They promised to close the border when Reagan’s Amnesty happened

and, that didn’t happen either

********************************************************

My conclusion? The Democratic party is the party of lies…

2012 in review – December 30th, 2012

This is something that took me completely by surprise -

1,800 views on a blog that I was just playing around with…

The WordPress.com stats “helper monkeys” prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 1,900 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 3 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

Breaking Free… December 28th, 2012

Kotagh is “dead’. Killed him by simply clicking the Delete button and typing “Kotagh”

Felt like committing suicide. Happened at 11PM last night

However, it was also freeing.

Star Trek Online is not evil, but it was addicting

and not intentionally in a bad way. The game’s system of accolades and

rewards were geared to make the gamer’s experience interesting and challenging

*******************************************************

In my case – this was harmful. Like I stated yesterday it was irresistibly compelling

to load Star Trek Online and escape the dismal life I was living

********************************************************************

God is good. He gave me the strength to “kill off” Kotagh and start living again

“Kotagh” was a fearless Klingon Warrior. In Real life I’m fearful. Of everything

I was even fearful of using the resources I have,

like my almost $10,000 401K that is usable for survival

***************************************************************

One time I was homeless and I had about $1500 of traveler’s checks

in my backpack. I was fearful of spending it

**************************************************************

I just closed my 401K and the check is in the mail.

So, what’s next for me?

*************************************************************

By The Way – here is an interesting WikiPediA article

 Video game addiction

That gives a little insight into what I’m going through

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